While working to declutter my bedroom today, I came across a stack of old journals and skimmed through one of them. It was the one that was given to me at the hospital after baby Micah died, and for months, I had filled its empty pages with my heartache and…
Mommy, When Will I Have a Sister?
I picked up my 3 year old daughter from preschool and listened as she told me about her new best friend; the one who had the “cutest” little sister. “Mommy, when will I have a sister?” she asked. As my eyes welled up with tears, I said, “I don’…
As women, most of us have expectations for what motherhood will look like. We imagine the number of children we will have, how far apart in age they will be and in what order they will arrive. And then we assume everything will play out in just the way we…
It’s In Noticing What I Have that I Become Aware of What I Don’t
Stroking the soft red curls that grace the head of my son. And braiding the straight brown locks that graze the shoulders of my daughter. Listening to my bookworm of a daughter read aloud, her voice filled with glee. And hearing my son gripe in his garbled chatter while I…
There Is No “Only” in Pregnancy Loss
When women discover that I lost a baby during the 20th week of pregnancy, they will often open up to me about their own loss, but reduce its significance by saying they were “only” six weeks, eight weeks, or fill-in-the-blank weeks pregnant when their loss occurred. They…
The Lies Satan Told Me After My Baby Died
Losing my baby was without question the most difficult experience of my life. For months, my life consisted of nothing more than overwhelming grief, heartache and emptiness. Day after day, I nearly drowned in a pool of my own tears and barely escaped being suffocated by the bone crushing sorrow…
A Mom’s Mantra When Motherhood Is Overwhelming
Remember what you have. It’s my mantra when I am about to lose it; a phrase I repeat to myself throughout the day. As I wade through piles of both clean and dirty laundry. As the dirty dishes continue to multiply. As I clean up another cup of…
When an Episode of Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood Makes Me Feel Bad
I can never be sure when I will be re-traumatized by memories of loss; when grief related triggers will pop up. Today it happened during the chaos of the after-school hours. The kids were doing a heck of a job testing my patience with loads of whining, crying…
I’m a Great Mom Because of the Baby Who’s Gone
After my first child was born, life got terribly messy, and not just from spit-up and dirty diapers. The transition from working full time to being a stay-at-home mom was difficult. I went days, sometimes weeks, without speaking to another adult, other than my husband for a…
Over the past two weeks, I have had the opportunity to participate in two volunteer events with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, an organization that provides services to families who have lost babies. Both of these opportunities took place right around the time of Micah’s 3rd…